Time escapes me, I swear!!

It has been forever since I blogged, and I promise I won't try to catch up on a months worth of happenings.

Let's just leave it to say, I have been busy. With work, and family.

I made it to 2 baby showers in the last month, both babies are girls. One will be born on Thursday of this week, and the other one is supposed to enter this world on May 13. Both showers were fun, games were great, company was nice..the girls and I had a good time at both.

Sheesh it is COLD in this airport! Nice and warm outside, not in here!

I actually had a chance to catch up on some things today, so, I took it and accomplished quite a bit. Felt pretty good to get stuff done and out of the way.

Lastnight was a cleaning frenzy at home. The last couple of weeks, I have had my husband and all of our kids in and out, and in and out of the house somemore.. That spells disaster for my home...and I let it be known that I didn't like it. Yet I digress and it takes me re-doing everything to get it done the way I like it.

The boy child will not be allowed to touch anymore toothpicks in my house again, I swear I picked up and/or vacuumed up 200 pieces of them, that were chewed broken and twisted off of the floor. Computer and video games for all kids will not be allowed unless things are in order...I can't deal with the chaos...lol

I have pretty much decided that I like Facebook better than Myspace, and I haven't done anything with Myspace in probably as long as I have not been on here. But I have found that I can import my blog on Facebook, so now, if I post it here, it is also posted there which is nice! I only have to type it once..and it posts both places.

My mother is now on Facebook..which is weird and awesome all at the same time..my brother is going to be having his 6th surgery done on his hand since last Jan, as a result of the accident he had on the job then. So I am anxious to hear how that turns out. At least he and his family and my mom are going to have the chance to visit with my Grandfather, as I have not seen him since Sierra was less than a year old. I miss the ol' fart! Maybe sometime soon I will get to see him and the rest of my aunts.

I need to make time to go visit my mom. I haven't been there for a few months. Miss my lil neices too..

I have been working extra hours in the last couple of weeks as one of my employees had to have surgery..not that I mind, the extra money will definitely come in handy. I will for sure be ready for her to come back next week.

Lots of things coming up here in the next couple of mos, the girls will have girl scout camp..twice, one being a day camp, and the other for a week. I am hoping they will have loads of fun. I never got the chance to do that kind of thing growing up. They will be getting out of school the first week of June..next year Sierra will be in 4th, and Kayla in 6th, and they will both be in intermediate school...no mo' elementary kids for me!

Time passes more quickly than we realize..still seems like just yesterday they were totally dependant on me and still babies in my arms...now they are both almost 5 feet tall. Sigh!!

Anyway..enough for now..

I have to get ready to get out of here, and go visit a friend I haven't got a chance to spend much time with. And since I have the chance, I'M TAKIN' IT!!!

Sigh~~

I am sooooo boring.

What do I, only sleep(not well either..) and work? That's what it feels like.

I deal with the "PUBLICK" as Ron White would say...M-F from 8-whenever...that in itself is tiring enough, I have to keep up with a fleet of cars that ranges for 40-70 units at my location at any given time. Do ya realize how much money these cars are worth?? They range in cost from 18k-40k a piece, and if you take that average and multiply it by any number between 40-70, I have a lot to keep up with.

Each car has to be inspected for damage before and after each rental, so any new damage can be noted and the person responsible for it charged....(got any clue how many ppl deny that they did anything to the vehicle?) What they don't realize is that whether or not they are aware of any damage being done to the vehicle while in their possession, they are still responsible for it...hence the reason for damage inspection before and after each and every rental.

Then you have to think about damage repair...I have an AWESOME Auto body repair shop!!!! We use Athens Collision Center in Athens, TX . I love Pat Hearn...they do an awesome job over there. Not only they do ALL the work on my rental fleet, they also have fixed any damages to my personal vehicles. LOVE THAT PLACE!!

OK! The rest of it...tires, wheels, hubs, side mirrors, windshields, hail damage..all of these things have to be replaced or fixed at some point..

Inspections, registrations, insuring each vehicle has an insurance card. Believe it or not, that is pretty hard to keep up with...if the customers would quit taking them out of the glove box, and bringing them in it would be nice..LoL

Um....Any warranty issues...anything with the engine, transmission, etc...has to be taken to a dealership...here in Tyler, there are not as many issues with that as in some of our other locations...we have a dealership for almost every brand. GM, Mercury, Hyundai, Kia, Nissan, Suzuki, and I believe the only one that I haven't been able to find here is Subaru. That is what we generally carry in fleet, all the afore mentioned brands..

Not only all that...but our vehicles are on what we call a repurchase program, so, once they reach either a certain mileage or parameter date, they have to be taken to either a turnback or a wholesale auction, and LORD hope they don't go over that certain mileage because we have to pay .25 per mile for every mile over in penalties..

Is your head spinning yet? Mine is..and I have been doing this job for nearly 7 years. I love my job...I suppose because everyone thinks its cushy..I dunno. Ya...so I am at a counter most of the day...but there are days that I have get out and wash the cars myself. (which would only be if I couldn't find someone to help me.) There are even occasions where I have to go with my shuttle drivers to pick up or drop off cars at another location. But I digress...I am supposed to be at the counter, field phone calls, and be available to the customers. Course all of that doesn't include all the paperwork that I have to do...LoL

Now..uh...thats just work.

Outside of work, I love to spend time with my kids, I would love more time to spend with them. I visit with them on Thursday evenings, and I get them almost every weekend. My kids are awesome...that's all I can say about them..they are beautiful, smart, sometimes whiney and hormonal, but always put a smile on my face when they want a hug or tell me they love me...and they are MINE!!

When I am not with the kiddos, I spend a lot of time with Barbara, and we play a lot of yahtzee and skipbo, we eat together a lot. I spend time with Amanda...Wednesday Night Game Night is great...unless they are playing magic...ugh...Rock Band 2 any day..Lego Batman, card games except magic....is all good with me.. It's time away from being by myself. Which is good for me..altho there are times that I just wanna or needa be alone. Who doesn't?

There are a lot of things that I would like to get to do, I just either run out of time, energy or money. Sometimes all 3 at the same time...LoL.

I am trying to do my best at keeping up with the people that are important to me, even if some people don't understand why some people are important to me. I just have to let go of caring about what some people think...all there is to it.

I let Crystal and Carmie take me to a Mary Kay meeting last night. I had fun..nothing a girl likes more than to play with make up...or...that works for me anyway.. contemplating becoming a consultant, sounds like a lot of fun. Work too...I wonder tho if that would push me over the edge on things that I need to keep up with..SUGGESTIONS are HELPFUL ...LoL...Hint hint. Had myself a make over and was told I looked awesome altho I will probably never believe that...There are pics, but I have no computer at home (GRRRR) so I can't upload them yet. Have to be freakin patient...lol

God love Greg too...he tries...I got..."did a good job" out of him, and he meant it as a compliment...but that's not what a girl necessarily wants to hear...LoL...I'll take it.. but LORD he needs schooled on compliment giving...LMAO

Anyway....worn out is the word... I need some major rest..not sleeping well...Need to probably take a stupid pill tonight...assuming that I get home at a decent hour..

MAYBE I wont take so long getting back on here..but for now I need to close.

*SNOOOOORRRRRREEEEEE*

OMG........

Life lately has been a big ol' snoozer...nothing exciting, nothing umm...just nothing really....lol

Other than my stupid laptop, I guess..

Amanda and I completely reformatted the hard drive a couple of weeks ago, and we wiped it completely clean...we reinstalled the OS, and I had to start over from scratch. No biggie, it seemed to be doing OK.

Until......

Two days ago when Amanda and I went up to my apartment and the freaking screen was like a DOS screen that had some words on it I had never seen before. I'm like, Amanda come tell me what the hell this means..

She said..well, I am not exactly sure but it doesn't look good...turn it off, let it sit for a few, then let's turn it back on and see what happens....so, we do that..and when we turned it back on again, on a "DOS" screen it says something to the effect of:

"WARNING!!! BACK UP ALL IMPORTANT DATA AND FILES....HARD DISK FAILURE IS IMMINENT!."



OOOHHHHHH HORSE SHIT!!!!!!!

I turned the damn thing off and haven't turned it back on since...I'm too freaking scared to..

Amanda has an external hard drive that she is going to see if she can set up for me to use in the mean time, I just don't want her to stress over it right now, because she is taking her mid terms today before spring break, and her mom needs alot of help, and it seems like she never catches a break lately....so, I told her just to let me know when she had some time to tinker with it at her convenience.

Although at this point when I am home, I feel like puter withdrawals are IMMINENT!!!! Gah!! I need my puter!

Anyway...that's more than I have typed on here in a couple of weeks and that is pretty much the only thing blog worthy, so, I am going to close this one and hopefully I can get back to it soon.

Not Much to say today..

I wanna blog, but I don't wanna type. Do that make sense?

I'm just not feeling my best.

Unusual that I really don't have anything to say..considering my blogs are usually so, LONG....and detail oriented.....lol

I need a big ol cappuchino and a nice warm blanket, and my recliner to cuddle up in and just breathe..

C'mon now....ya'll know that shit ain't gonna happen either...lol

More later maybe...

This last week..

...has been very tiring. I am drained. Not really sure why. Except maybe that I haven't been getting to bed until about midnight. But...that is not entirely out of the ordinary. Had the whole sleep apnea test with KK last Friday, Tuesday was Boo's 3rd set of tubes.

Which is where I found out a tid bit of information that could potentially change some circumstances. I can't out it here, at least not yet. Patience has got to become a very good friend of mine. Thats all I can say.

So, it hasn't been an overly busy week...but evidently, it doesn't have to be busy to be exhausting.

KK does have a mild case of sleep apnea. So there are a few things that have to be done. They do not want her on CPAP just yet. There are a couple of things that need to be addressed before they decide to put her on one. Both of my girls are chunky, so, they are both going to be dieting...(momma too) Low carbs, no soda's chips or any of the good ol' junk food. This could be part of KK's problem, and there is also a possibility that she has some extra tissue in her throat causing it as well, possibly her tonsil could have started growing back, in this case they want to see if there is something that could be done surgically to help remedy the problem..Turns out she also has a pretty bad case of acid reflux. Which is also another reason to watch her food intake. Could be all of it tied together.

Will have to change alot of my cooking and eating habits as well. Not fair for momma to get to eat and have things they can't, especially when they are just as bad for me as they are for the girls.

Won't hurt any of us, so gotta do it.

No more soda's...Milk, water or tea with sweetner in it only. Gonna have to cut ALOT of the pasta...(This really sux...we love pasta)

Anyway, you get the idea...There is a rough road ahead with this and I am going to need all the support that I can get to keep it up, not just for my girls, but for me as well.

Hah. Can ya tell I'm not up to par? Running of on tangents and not finishing thoughts? I so need to go home......

My 11 Year Old had a Sleep Study

So because she has been so tired all the time and has had her fair share of being sick, and just generally run down, her doctor decided to order a sleep study. He wants to rule out sleep apnea.

This was scheduled for Friday evening. Her grandmother, her sister, myself, and sigh...her father went with her. We could all go in with her, but only one adult could stay, so, she said if her dad could make it, she wanted him to. Didn't know what to feel about that, but it's about what she wants.

We start the evening off going to dinner at a local buffet. Afterwards we still had some time to kill so we went to a pet store...and finally decided to go and wait for the clinic doors to open. Upon being checked in we were ushered to a room where there was a select comfort bed. Which was awesome. (I dozed off twice before they came in to hook her all up...lol) Then in came all the wires and things.. wow.. I was astounded. See..my doctor had me do what we call the poor man's sleep study. Pulse oximeter overnight, then a trial with the Cpap which I still have. I have apnea.

Anyway, I didn't ahve my digicam with me so I took some pics with my cell...not the best quality..but you get the idea. So I will post them. There are before and after pics...and a couple of her sister in there..

Kinda scared me to see her like that with all that stuff on her...I don't know how she slept...not altogether well I know...she did get sick in the middle of the night. I imagine that had to do with some of the food she ate and her nerves being somewhere she wasn't used to.

Her sister acts like she doesn't like her sister most of the time, but I know better. The next morning about 6 I went in thier bedroom to check on her, she was awake. I asked her what was wrong..she said, "I miss my sissy" AWWWW

Greg got me a big cuddly teddy bear with a heart on it that says I love you on it for V-day. We got the kids a teddy bear a piece for it...and Greg took the girls and I out for dinner. I have a pic to show of that too. Again not the best quality...but not the point. lol

Ok, I am going to close for now....hope you enjoyed the pics...lol

Ponderings...

So, I ponder there have been plenty of times in my life that I have said things that I shouldn't have and didn't say things I should have.

I imagine that the same is true of things I have done and shouldn't have, and and things that I haven't done and really should've.

I ponder that life is full of shoulda, coulda, woulda's.

Free will, and human nature...do you ever wonder if God hadn't given us free will and our brains actually only functioned they way that he wants them to that it would just be so much easier? I know I have. This ol' world really wouldn't be what it is today.

Just some thoughts, thought I would jot.

God! It's Late....

I don't feel well....my head feels like it could explode, my ears are hurting..I left work early today, with the intention of resting. Well...ha!

When I got home...I was drawn to my computer, which I was up late lastnight trying to update...and get some un-needed proggies off of it. Considering I thought I wasn't going to have on at all a couple of days ago. I didn't get it all done lastnight, so, I decided to try and get that done. Which took FOREVER!! After that I talked with Amanda and asked her to look at it and tell me if there was anything she could do to help it...lol

Turns out, that most of the parts in it are about to give out..the fan runs most of the time...but it has done that for a long time..it surges...lol. Well..when that gives out, my motherboard will be fried. Not only that, but, it seems as my memory is most likely corrupted because it isn't showing that I have what I have. So the suggestion she made to me was to back up everything that I wanted to keep so when it does croak, then at least I will have it to put on another one.

Basically my puter is living on borrowed time. At the present I really can't afford to go out and buy another. So, I hope it doesn't die until I can get another...but I doubt it.

When I brought it home tonight it took nearly 45 mins to get it completely booted up so I could get online and check my email...

But at least in the meantime I was able to make something to eat and get a load of laundry washed...ain't that freakin ridiculous??

Isnt it just the way that what you have lasts until you can't afford to fix or replace? Ya, my warranty on this bad boy went out on the 13th of last month.

UGH!!!!!!

Well, here's to hopefully feeling better tomorrow...and getting some decent sleep waiting for it to get here...

Afternoon ya'll...

So, when I returned home yesterday...my computer was still alive thank god..

So I proceeded to get my pics and files transferred to cd. I only took 4 full cd's to get them done...ya...only.

Then I went to see if I could do a back up on it...and it said I would need 32 cd's or 5 dvds....I was like...well I don't have that many, and I would rather find a better way to do it....so, I am going to get Amanda to help me with that....it would have taken forever to do it...and lastnight I didn't have the time or energy to sit at the desk waiting for them to get done.

I'm just thankful its still working for the time being.

Right now, other than this inventory staring me in the face that needs to be sent in, I am pretty much done for the day...

I think I am going to go home and just relax the evening away. With no phone calls or distractions....

C'mon now...y'all know that shit aint gonna happen.....lol

Easy Going Weekend

For the first time in I don't know how long, the girls stayed with their dad for the weekend. I imagine they were pretty happy about that. I didn't get to talk to them at all, they didn't call, and I had no clue how to get in touch with them. That made me a lil uneasy, but everything must have been ok because I am sure that I would have received a call at some point.

They are going to the doctor today, they have both miss pretty much the last 2 weeks of school because of viruses. They both have double ear infections, which most likely means that Sierra will be having another set of tubes put in her earts. It is also strange because Kayla has a set of tubes in her ears already. So I hope to find out what is going on with that some time today.

I got to spend some much needed time with Greg, which was great. He had to leave and go back to work yesterday. We pretty much lounged around...Greg did go to watch his daughters basketball game on saturday, so I took that time to pay bills and get some things that we needed from walmart..but other than that it was pretty lazy.

After he left yesterday, I spent time doing the dreaded laundry, and cleaning up the house. I stayed up a little later than I normally would on a Sunday night. Anyway. I went to bed, drifted off to sleep...until I was awakened by a pain that felt like a freaking contraction, and I couldn't freakin get rid of it. Couldn't walk...I tried, so, I sat on the edge of my bed for I don't know how long, trying to see if it would subside, I think I sat like that for 30 mins before I could move...I was able to go back to sleep at some point.

When my alarm went off, I did like I do every morning. Until, I heard, a loud "clicking/ticking noise" coming from my living room. Startled me because I thought maybe the bird was choking to death or something...no such luck. It is my freakin laptop.

You hear that sound from a computer, and it makes you wanna cringe. Pretty much means its days are numbered if not already gone. A computers hard drive is somewhat like a record player. If the smallest particle of dust gets under the "needle" it can cause it to skip and do what a record players needle does to a record when it is scratched...basically...screw up the whole thing.

For the mean time this morning it was still running, so, I thought it best to try to copy all of my pics to a cd, because I was afraid that if I tried to restart it that it would be GONE...well..so I started that process...I'm not sure if it finished or not...because it decided to restart itself...and it wasn't up when I had to leave for work. But I didn't have time to mess with it. So, that makes me worry....what the hell am I gonna do with out my laptop??? The kids do have one in their room...and it is older than the one that I have and it tends to crash...thats why it is in the kids room..all they do on it is play games...not all the things I do on my puter. I dunno.

Ain't like we don't have enough debt as it is...I don't need to add another 2 it..but...I do need my computer. SIGH!!!!!

So, I guess when I get home, I will know what is going on..either way, I am likely to pull my hair out..LoL

Well..enough for now..

Still Care..

Wow. I guess that I seem like I am heartless.

I really am not. I care just as much as I ever did. I have just removed myself from the equation, because it seems to me that the solution would never get better. And rather than stay and make it worse for all involved, its easier for all for me to stay gone.

Don't know why that is so hard for people to understand.

If it is easier for others to completely ignore what has happened, then so be it. Outcast I will be, wouldn't be the first time, just like bouncing back and forth between my parents as a child and teenager. I imagine it won't be the last time.

No one wanted me then and no one does now. I should be used to it.

Weekend's Almost Over...

So, it is Sunday night, almost 11pm.

I am waiting for the last load of laundry to dry so I can get it hung up and folded. I took a nap earlier today. I should NOT do that. But it was one of those that wasn't exactly voluntary. I literally had to lay down. Last weekend when I did that, I woke up all shaky and feeling weird. Looked bad enough that my neighbor wouldn't let me walk back upstairs by myself. She said I so pale that I was starting to turn a lil bit green, almost zombie-ish. She asked Greg to come down and walk me back up. Kinda felt like that when I got up this afternoon, but not quite as bad. I dunno. Felt good to sleep...not so much to get up.

I had my babies this weekend. They are so cute. I love all the hugs and kisses I get even if they aren't feeling their best. They both had a bout of pink eye last week, tho they were already out of the contagious phase thank goodness. When I picked them up, they were both all stopped up. So we were all ready for a weekend inside. Wasn't so bad on Friday night, they both got eye drops and cold and allergy meds, and they slept pretty good. Saturday they played on the xbox and online, not all day, but they both behaved pretty well.

Throughout the day, they became more stopped up so, I gave doses of the purple stuff....and then after dinner they took baths and got ready for bed...by then it was time for another dose...but neither of them slept very well...I actually had to wake them up this morning rather than the other way around.

I had to get them up and dressed, fed and ready to walk out the door to be back at Grandma Shirley's at 9 so they would be able to go to church this morning. Altho I am not sure that happened, turned out either her battery, which she bought not long ago was either dead or her alternator had gone out. I went down the road to see if any of my family had jumper cables, I have no clue what happened to mine. I couldn't get my uncle or my grandmother up to ask them and Ed and Brad didn't have any...I'm thinking mine are prolly in the back seat of Greg's truck, which wouldn't have done me any good considering he left to go back on the road yesterday..

So I called her to let her know I had no luck. After that I spent a few at my brothers. Then went back up to see if my uncle was awake, no...not yet and Jason wasn't sure where his dad had the jumper cables and didn't seem interested in trying to find them...so I headed back towards home. Then I decided to see if Kat was up for company over in Frankston..so I went over there for a couple of hours.

We him-hawed and jack jawed for a while and then she had to go to the store, so thats when I took my leave and actually came home. Which leads me back to taking a nap today and waking up feeling weird. After that I talked to Greg for a bit about issues with work, among other things. I went downstairs and watched some TV and playing yahtzee with Barbara...she ordered pizza and kicked my ass at the game....lol then it was time for me to come back upstairs. Which leads me to finish up the laundry and blogging to put myself to sleep.

Not real sure its working...but whilst I do this I am also talking to my mom. At least she isn't ignoring me...or I her.

So all the stuff I wanted to get done around the house today didn't get done, but I haven't gone and visited in a while, so it was nice to do that. House work will be here for me tomorrow. I think I am going to head for the bed.

I'll blog again soon.

Ever Wanted To.....

Copy and paste emails and messages that you have saved over a period of time?



I thought about it. Decided not to.


What the hell does it matter for anymore anyway?

***************************************************************************************

Pull all your hair out and just scream?


Sure....been there....decided not to do that either....thought it might hurt.

***************************************************************************************

Ok, so this one is not something that anyone wants to do, and if they do, then they really need professional help.


Unintentionally take things out on the people who really care about you because you just don't know what else to do?


Unfortunately, just ask my husband....my mother...my brothers...

***************************************************************************************

Everyone has feelings. Everyone at some point doesn't know how to handle the flood of emotions that take them over.


Doesn't mean that anyone person's feelings or emotions are not valid. Albeit some peoples are truely unfounded.

***************************************************************************************

Ever wanted to.....Throw caution to the wind and say to hell with everything?


Yeah, me too, I think the outcome would/could have been pretty unfortunate.

***************************************************************************************

Ever wish life didn't require so much thought?


Sure!!!! Who hasnt?


Shouldn't it always be happy go lucky and all green grass?


Should......But damn free will......at least I know where I will be when the day comes.

***************************************************************************************

More later, maybe.

Deal.....

I swear I have a stress headache. I woke up with a headache 3 days ago, and I still have it.

I have taken ibuprofen, aleve, excedrin..exedrin migraine. Helps for a lil while but then its back. Not quite sure what else to do about it. So I guess I'll have a headache. I'll deal.

I was walking around Sam's the other day. One of those you feel like you are walking around squashing your heart, with every step you take until eventually you go numb things. Another cause and affect thing. The cause doesn't matter. The affect does. But...I'll deal. The only way I know how.

I already know that I have to start weeding out the things I don't need in my life. May take me a while, and it might make me lose myself in the process. Again...I'll deal.

Don't Know

Yes, it hurt. Not sure why, but it did.

There's nothing like that feeling.

What's even worse is there is nothing that can change it.

I can't do it anymore. Doesn't matter how much I want to, I can't.

I had to give my hands a rest....

After that last blog....I was almost completely exhausted...took me like 3 days to write it. But I am pretty sure that I covered most everything I wanted to. If I didn't I guess it really wasn't all that important.

Hmm. So, I have found my niche I think, or rather where I belong. I believe. It's where I have been known for years, or, where enough time has been taken to actually figure me out.

I tend to build walls. Because I am so used to and so tired of getting hurt. I suppose that maybe it has hardened my heart to an extent. But again, it has also protected me. I don't wear it on my sleeve anymore.

I am not a childish bitch, I am a mother, I am a wife, I am a daughter, sister and aunt. I love my kids, and I love my husband, and my family. No matter how many fights my parents and I get into, no matter how many fights that I have with my brothers, at some point we all realize that no matter how pissed we get at each other that we are still family, and we can rely on each other.

My kids may not be with me full time, but their dad is barely in their life. They have had Grandma in their life since day one. When the divorce came around, rather that put my kids thru the terror of a huge custody fight, considering I had no lawyer, I gave up having the girls with me 80% of the time. Because I knew him, and when he was ready to stop playing "daddy" that the girls would be taken care of by his mom. Considering I still can't afford to modify the custody agreement now...and realllllllly couldn't then, it isn't my option of choice for them to not be with me, but it is the best alternative. His mother, her whole life is those 2 girls. Their granddad passed when Kayla was just a year old, and her son, well, isn't really around. So, they are all she has left to hold on to.

I am not by any means trying to shift my parental responisibilities off on someone else, but I am sharing with her the only joy brought out of my relationship with her son, our beautiful daughters. And I take every oppurtunity I can to parent my kids on a daily basis. Whether it be over the phone or when we are together, what ever the situation, when they are adults they will know that I was the one that actually took the time to be a PARENT, not a genetic contributor. And that I loved them enough to not drag them into a situation where at the time, I couldn't have physically, emotionally or financially taken care of them and that they had a guardian angel grandmother who was willing to take care of them.

I, unlike alot of "noncostodial" parents, do pay my child support. I do make special trips to see my girls, I attend all of their school functions, I help them with their homework. I do my best to teach them right from wrong. I spend quality time with them, how much time I get to spend with them is not as important as what we do with our time together.

If some people think this makes a horrible person then go ahead and think it. Because you really have no clue what I am about.

The people who actually spend real time around me know what kind of a person I really am. That is what matters. Those people whether they be blood kin or not are my family. Because we treat each other as such. I feel rather special that I have such a huge "family". These folks know who they are. To those people I send out a huge thank you for inviting me into your lives and accepting me as well as my kids.

I am closing for now, didn't know this was what it would turn to be, but, if I typed it, it must have needed typing.

The Last Few Weeks

Hmm..where do I start?

Ok. Since my last post in November, (ok, back track, make a long story short) My downstairs neighbors for the past 2 years, have become very important to me. They are like family, a surrogate mother and father, sister and her brother, and her kids.

At the end of October, Mike got very sick. He ended up going to the hospital the first of November by ambulance, and didn't make it home. He was in ICU for all but one day of his stay, and then on Nov. 30, he went home to be with the Lord. I didn't get the chance to know him like many people had known him for years, but he was still important to me. That month, Amanda and I, and Lee, Bud, Debie and alot of other folks took turns taking Barbara to the hospital to see him. Watching them all go thru the process of this has not been easy.

Amanda being in college had to miss alot of school, not just because of Mike being in hospital, but because she is a single mom of 2 kids, and having 2 kids and going to school is hard, when they get sick, or Barbara gets sick she picks up the slack.

Ok, well I'm gonna have to close it for now, I am about to leave work, and then I will pick it up once again when I get home. There is alot more.

Heh..so I lied, I didn't get back to it Monday, its almost 24 hours later and I am just now getting back to this, and again, almost time to leave work and go home. But lets see how far I can get.

Anyway, Mike had been sick for a while, which was unusual according to family, and also, like most men didn't like to go to the doctor unless absolutely necessary. Eventually he ended up in the Emergency clinic, getting antibiotics. A couple of days later, Barbara had gone down to Amanda's to visit, as she was having a lil get together for her impending birthday, and when she came home, she said that Mike was having trouble focusing and bobbing his head so, she wasn't sure if he was having a stroke or a seizure so she called 911 and tried to call Amanda but she couldn't hear her phone for all the ppl and music going in her apartment. My plan was to actually be there with Amanda, but I was completely worn from having helped my friend Kat move all her stuff out of the moving truck that day, so, I decided to stay home. Barbara called me and I was on my way out of the door before she could finish telling me to go get Amanda.

So I basically hauled ass across the complex, ran into her apt, grabbed her and told her to come with me something was wrong with Mike, so, we flew back around to the other side of the complex, the ambulance and fire dept were already there. Amanda was out of my truck and running to the door before I had the truck completely stopped and in park. Then ensued weeks of daily hospital visits, and just a couple of days before he passed he had a massive stroke that left him with no chance of life the way it was before. They moved him to hospice the next day, and the following day I spent the day there with Barbara, Amanda, Jeremy, Quentin, Amanda Kay and all the kids, when they had to explain to the kids why they were there.

Oh my gosh, I know it had to have been hard for Amanda to approach the subject with them, and the outpouring of emotion from the kids afterwards like to have sent me for a loop. I can't imagine having to do the same with all of mine and my brothers kids if either of my parents were to pass away.

I did get to go into his room and see him that day. I was there when they decided to go ahead and turn off the life support, was a very sobering thing for me. I personally have never been that close to a person when it was their time. There were many ppl in the room, alot of family and friends. Mike seemed like he was sleeping for quite some time, he never did regain consciousness, but he held on until the next morning.

Since then life has been a roller coaster for Barbara, she seems to be handling things ok, and then she has what she calls, "crying jags"....and she can't stand that she does. But we have to keep reminding her that it is all a part of the grieving process, and if she needs to cry, to go ahead and cry. She always apologizes, and I tell her it doesn't bother me when she does. It does on one hand because it hurts me to know that she is in pain, but on the hand I know she needs to get it out. I wish I knew what to say or do for her to make it all better, but, I don't. She has had 2 trips to the hospital herself, one for pnuemonia, and one for pulmonary issues. Scares me to see her go, but I am so happy when she makes it back. My mom knows that Barbara is like a 2nd mom to me. She doesn't mind it tho, she is just glad that I have someone closer to me that I can go to, yanno?

Amanda.....she doesn't realize how strong she is. I know that she hasn't had time to actually grieve the way she will at some point. She has her moments. She'll drag me to another room because she doesn't want her mom or others to see her cry or be emotional...She is trying to raise 2 kids, pretty much alone, go to school to better herself, and make a better world for her kids. I applaud her for that, I haven't made it quite that far in my education. At least she is working towards a goal. She has alot on her plate..and if it were me in her shoes I would have already caved under the pressure. She has no idea how proud she makes me.


Ok, again, I gotta go home, HOPEFULLY, I will be able to continue this tonight, and not tomorrow....this is gonna turn out to be a huge MONSTER!!

Fast forward a little over a week to my oldest daughter's 11th birthday party. We threw together a quick planned "party". Shirley and I picked up 6 little girlfriends of hers, and then came to town, picked up Amanda's son and went to the movies and watched Madagascar 2. Was cute and I was fairly surprised that 11 of us could make it thru the movie with no huge incident. Then back to my house for a lil cake, ice cream, pizza rolls and lil' smokies, and to watch KK open her presents.

Debie and Barbara used to make cakes for fun, and so a few days before the party I had approached Barbara to ask if she could help me make a cake...she said sure. So, she talked to Debie, and she got excited about making the cake...I ended up having not to do any of it. God love Debie she is a very good soul! Kayla wanted a Miley Cyrus cake...if she couldn't have that she wanted Hannah Montana. Debie searched all over to find Miley and she did!! She made a white cake (per Kayla's request) with buttercream icing (per mine) and she sprayed the top of the cake like a beach sand color and found a Miley doll and candle, sand bucket and bought the beach shop that is in the Hannah Montana show as a back drop to the cake....it was absolutely awesome!! Kayla loved it.

I had asked KK what she wanted for her bday...and she said a type writer, a camcorder or a scrapbook kit. Well yanno, no one carries type writers anymore, didn't think she was ready for a camcorder so I got her a scrapbook kit. And she absolutely loves that too...I haven't had to do much with her on that, she has taken off and done it by herself, she has only asked a couple of questions and asked me for a some pictures. She also got a High School Musical game, Hannah Montana tobagen and gloves, teddy bear, a piggy bank that Mimi had decorated for her, and lets not forget $36 in cash...she doesn't ask for much and she always is happy with what she gets...she is such a big hearted lil girl. She sure is getting moody lately tho. LoL

There was a Christmas get together at Barbara's the Saturday before Christmas, was a pretty big showing....lotsa good food and good company, and present trading. We all had a good time. Then at home for Christmas, this year I decided to make fleece blankets for greg and the kids, I spent a lil bit of time picking out patterns of fleece, and thanks to Carmie who pretty much cut and tied almost 3 of them 4 for me, they all got done...she is such a peach!!! All the kiddo's got new pajama's and a "toy" a piece...thats all we had money for really...ha..really didn't have it for that....but thanks to a "gaurdian angel" it was made possible. Mimi and Grandpa gave each of the kiddo's $25 a piece to get what they wanted from them. Which I gaurantee that they had a blast spending (most of a whole day in Walmart deciding what to spend it on).

We did have a family Christmas at Ed's house. It was pretty much just me and Greg and my girls, Ed, Brad, Ava and Dad. Grandma and the aunts and uncles were in and out during the day. Ed made the ham in the new roaster he got at the company Christmas party, I made mac and cheese and dump cake, he handled the vegetables and made the deviled eggs...He makes awesome deviled eggs. Oh, and don't forget the brown and serves....which I caught hell for over Thanksgiving...I'm not even going to go there...LoL We visited all day while cooking...Then opened presents and watched a movie. We were all worn out and ready for bed afterwards. I had to take the girls back to Shirley so they could go have another gathering with her side of the family, and then after the movie, Greg, I and Ed played some dominoes..Ed had to take the other dish he has simmering in the crock pot up to the nursing home where he works. So, I took him, and Greg made his way home. I brought Ed back home and then I went home myself.

New Year's Eve....hmm..well..Amanda was planning a lil party, so, we planned on going to that. Ed decided he wanted to come to, so I went and picked him up after I got off of work at 5 that day...got home, went and yakked with Barbara for a few, and then Greg wanted to make sure the kiddos were fed before going...Ed and I went on ahead..before long we had all had a few Mai Tai's the size of Dixie swish cups, a few butter shots etc. We had some ham and other things that Amanda had fixed....then with about 20 ppl in the house, and only one bathroom, someone was bound to have to run to the bathroom somewhere else...well....that woulda been me...thank god I live close by.

Anyway, Ed came back to the house with me. Greg was just walking out the door on his way, he was trying to talk to me...and I'm like, "Sorry....no time....GOTTA GO!" Made it to the bathroom, and Greg and Ed wait on me....came out...sat down in the kitchen for a min and the next thing you know, Greg says I am pale as a ghost....and passed out...he shook me and I came around, then he said I was flushed..and I passed out again. He called Amanda and told her that I was being put to bed. I think he was worried someone spiked my drink....I'm thinking the sugar in the drinks screwed with my blood pressure...either way, I was out cold by 830...such a party pooper.

Ed was going to spend the night, but after my lil whatever you wanna call it, he called Brad, and Brad was coming to pick him up after he got off work. Ed went back down to Amanda's and had a good time until he had to make it back for Brad to get him. I am glad he did....just sorry that I crapped out on him. Wasn't intending to...BUT....

Mmmmk....its almost 10 on Tuesday night.....still not done...still have about 3 weeks to account for...But considering this is almost 2 mos late....I don't guess its so bad....LoL. Will try to blog more tomorrow sometime.

Not sure that I have much farther to go on this. Alot of things tend to escape my mind these days. LoL

The first couple weeks of January were pretty uneventful. Or, forgettable....I'm not quite sure which one fits better.

Kayla has been feeling kinda puny off and on for the last few weeks. Not quite sure if she is about to "become a woman" or not...its about that time tho. Ugh...I dun even wanna think about that....I almost lost it when both of them started getting boobs. I'm not ready for that next step yet....Lord, please not yet! She has always had some health issue or another, whether it be allergies, pneumonia, the good ol' viruses that go around...sinus infections, ear infections, she has her 3rd set of ear tubes now. Earlier last year, she was having alot of tummy aches and her doctor put her on Prevacid I guess because he believes she has acid reflux. About a week ago, he told us that she has been sick too much in the last year and knows that she is tired and run down alot, so he wants her to be tested for sleep apnea....

Well, doesn't that sound familiar? I was recently diagnosed with it myself. He said there wasn't anyone that would test a child for it in Tyler so he was going to send us to Children's Hospital in Dallas. When she went back in a couple of days ago, they made a few calls and did find someone here in Tyler that will do it. So she will have her sleep test done on February 13th. Thanks goodness its on a weekend is all I am saying.

This last weekend the girls were with me. Friday evening we went to a birthday party for my friend Kimmie's little girl Brooklyn at Pump it Up. My girls had no clue we were going, where we were going or what they were going to be doing. Pump it Up is basically a party place, where there are bouncy houses and an obstacle course, one with a HUGE slide...then after about an hour and a half of play, we all got to go into the party room for cake and ice cream and watch her open her presents. My girls had a BLAST....we had never been there before...and I am glad they had such a good time.

Saturday, the girls actually fed themselves cereal and let me sleep in until 10....was nice...but I still don't like the idea of them being up and me not. After getting up I started straightening the house and trying to figure out what I wanted to fix for lunch..I decided on chili...I hadn't really ever made it before, so I figured I would give it a go...It turned out very well. We called Shirley at worked and asked her if she would like for us to bring her some, and we stopped by DQ and got some Blizzards to go and eat with her. After leaving there we went to Amanda's and visited for a little while. She let us borrow her Journey to the Center of the Earth DVD and her 3D glasses, then we went home to relax.

Before we started the movie Sierra started complaining about her tummy hurting. So I told her to relax got her some Pepto and we would all watch the movie together. We were all still pretty full from the chili so, we just started the movie. Kayla asked a while into it if she could have another bowl of it, so I told her yes. She was sitting in the livingroom on a towel with it, and Sierra started whimpering that the smell of the chili was making her tummy sick...I got her some water and told her to try and relax. She drifted off to sleep, so KK and I finished the movie. I decided to leave her on the couch because she was already asleep. KK went and got in bed, and I headed that way myself.

I climbed in bed, got comfortable and had just about made it to LaLa land when something woke me, I don't know if it was an actual noise or just Mommy radar, but I shot out of bed to check on her. Turned on the light and she sat straight up and puked all over the couch, the blankets, and herself. Poor baby...I felt so bad for her...I got her up...and walked her to the bathroom, let her finish whatever she needed to, got the water going in the shower and got her in it. While she was in there, I went ahead with the task of cleaning up the aftermath......I am very surprised that I got thru that with out adding to it. WHOA! I had to strip the cushion covers off, I had to scrub down the whole couch...out of the corner of my eye, I noticed that the blanket that was on the back of one of the recliners had been initiated so that had to go in the washer too.. So...3 blankets, 3 cushion covers, 3 towels, her clothes, my clothes, the bath mat in my bathroom, 4 wash rags had to be washed. After scrubbing the couch I also treating it with stain treater, scrubbed it again, then I sprayed it down with Lysol, along with most of the rest of the apartment.

I am so glad I didn't insist on putting her in the bedroom..she would have been on the top bunk, and she would have ralphed all over it, herself and Kayla probably. I am also glad that Kayla or Greg or both of them didn't wake up and try to come see what was happening because I know for a fact that both of them would have puked on the spot, and then I would have followed suit most likely. Then we would have just had to move out in the middle of the night, cuz I wouldnt have been able to clean it all up. LoL

By the time that Sierra got out of the shower, I got her some new night clothes to wear, got her hair as dry as possible, I went about pulled out the mattress out from under the bottom bunk and got her laid down, made sure she drifted off. Then I finally took myself back to bed....at 1230 am.....Gah...I was so tired.

The next day wasn't so bad..Except for the fact that I got up at 6am with my alarm like I do when I go to work....couldn't go back to sleep. I got up and made eggs, bacon and toast for breakfast. She was able to keep that down. We all decided we wanted some pasta salad for lunch, so she ate a bit of that and came to me and told me that she didn't think she could eat anymore because her tummy was starting to feel weird again, so I got her another dose of pepto and got her another bottle of water. She seemed to do ok for the rest of them day. Grandma came and picked them up about 4ish..

Lately I have noticed Kayla start expressing her feelings about her Dad not calling or picking up the phone when they call him, and him making promises to do things and not going thru with them. She'll tell me, "I am so mad at Dad! He doesn't ever call or come see us when he says he will!" I guess he was supposed to meet his mom when she got off of work on Saturday, and they were going to take the girls to eat at DQ. He didn't show up...big surprise to me, let me tell ya. So when Shirley got to the apt to pick the girls up, Kayla asked if she could call him, so I let her. Of course he doesn't answer. And she started bawling...I know she was hurt, and I know she was mad and its all I could do to not want to curse his name for making her feel like that....and all I could say was "Baby, I am so sorry, I don't know what to say, except I love you and every thing will be ok".

The next day I got a call from Sierra...and she started crying...she said that Kayla called him and he said hello, and then he hung up. It was Sierra's turn to be upset. She knows that promises are important. She told me about that, and she said "Momma, but he promised! He said hello, then hung up and never called back! I miss him so much Momma!"

Ya wanna talk about yank a mothers heart right out of her chest??? Oh ya...that did. She is only 9. KK is 11. KK is starting to understand that her Dad isn't trustworthy and I know that hurts her...I can see it in her eyes. That kills me. But my baby. She just doesn't grasp it all yet. Ugh! How can he do that to my babies? Ok, I'm gonna quit on that subject before I get completely fired up.

I would rather try to end this blog on a better note that the last couple. I already went thru some of the things that happened in the last 2, so I am not going to revisit those. There is no need.

I believe.....that I am caught up for now. But probably not for long.

Oh!! I have quite a few pics to post....some of them are already uploaded from my mem card....there are quite a few that are not. I will probably just make a blog of nothing but pics....cuz...yanno...this one is SOOOO full of words.. LoL

Happenings

Not quite even sure what to type.

I know that I can talk. Alot. Anyone can tell that from some of my blogs. Those are my ramblings. I talk alot more on here than I do anywhere else.

I am the sort of person that attempts to let things roll off of my back as much as possible. On the other side, a person can only take so much before they just explode.

By the time I explode, the words flow out of my mouth, or onto my blog or in other places, sometimes with no thought, and most of the time taking ALOT of time to word things. Knowing that if I am not careful, that I can do more damage than good.

Per my last blog, I wasn't thinking alot about how I worded things. When truthfully in retrospect I shouldn't have worded anything. I shouldn't have let myself be dragged down to that level. But I am not perfect nor have I ever claimed to be.

There are only 2 ppl in this world that I can say that I have a strong dislike for. Those 2 ppl would be my ex husband, and the other person is a female...Neither one of them happens to be the person that I thought I was defending myself against yesterday. I don't hate any one person.

Sometimes you find out where you stand. Sometimes you are kept hanging. Sometimes you just don't know.

If I have made a mistake, then I own it. Yesterday's was not voicing my opinion, it was not taking enough time to realize that the way I feel may affect someone that I wasn't intending to make feel uncomfortable, in an adverse way.

I can take my lumps, and try to learn from that. Thats all I can do. I know that I have no control over anyone but myself. Sometimes I lose control. Everyone does. Thats nothing new.

I'm thinking I know where I stand. I could be wrong...I might not be. Thats for me to deal with.

Had Enough....Let it Flow Right Out of My Mind to My Keyboard...

No, I don't have to mention names. Because the involved parties are aware.

I am putting this here to remind myself....not quite sure of what....or why quite yet...but..here it is.. I wrote this:


Ok...thats it. I've had enough. ******** is going to kill me for this but I'm going to do it anyway. You won't have to run to her and tell her I did this because I have already told her.

You read my blog...I don't care. I have nothing to hide. It wasn't meant for you. I could give less of a shit if she spends more time with you than me. I could give less of one if I am the friend on the bottom of the totem pole. Even I only get to spend 5 minutes in a year with her it doesn't matter. Because bad times or good, we have seen each other thru a hell of a lot more that she has with you and we will always have a connection.

I am not the needy person that you are....I don't get freaked out if she talks to her other girlfriends, I don't get pissed if she spends any amount of time with her other girlfriends.I also don't delude myself into believing that I will be sharing a room with her in a nursing home and scrapbooking all day long when we are old. Everyones life takes different paths. And at some point in some way it will happen to you to.

Doesn't mean I don't care as much about her as you do. So, get over being jealous and petty because I am and always will be in the picture in some form or another. Delete it or don't....I don't care.


So...ya....thats what I did...without even thinking about it..maybe I should feel bad, maybe I shouldn't....I'll figure that out later...and deal with the aftermath then.

Ok, I suck at this blogging thing.....

I know it has been a really long time.. and I hate that. Alot has happened since Nov 21, the last time I posted, so, it possibly will take me a while and a few blogs to catch up.

*Normally*, I would have my kids every other weekend, but in the last 3 mos, I have had them almost every weekend. I so totally don't mind that. I love spending time with them. I do feel overwhelmed tho, because this have been a lil bit different so far this holiday season. When Greg is on the road, I have a clean house, because I don't mess much up by myself, and I have my daughters to clean their room because they are old enough to do so.

But when Greg is home, even when it's just me and him, it makes it hard to keep up...Greg's philosophy is a lil different than mine, like alot of other men, most of his stuff goes exactly where he leaves it.....NOT in it's place. Extremely hard to keep up when 2 of our kids, or both sets are there. I can't keep up so I typically don't try...doesn't do me any good.

So, therefore, I haven't put much effort in getting on here, or Myspace. When I do have down time by MYSELF.....I try to or at least attempt to catch up, which leaves not much time for this.

I finally got a kiddo free weekend this last one..and I took some time to make plans for lunch with Chelle. We ate and caught up, then made it over to her place so she could give me what she made for me for Christmas. I will have to post a pic of it later, but I think its absolutely awesome. What I thought was even more awesome happened when she had her gender sonogram. She sent me this text message saying. "Don't say anything or post it on myspace, its a Christmas surprise, but.....IT'S A GIRL!!!!"

Just like the blubbering idiot I was when I found out she was preggers with Garrett, I cried..no big surprise. I know how much she wanted a baby when she got pregnant with him, and I cried when I found out with this one, and when I found out she was having a girl, because, I know how long it took her to get pregnant and how much she wanted a daughter.

It made me feel pretty special because there have been ups and downs in our relationship, just like most. But the connection that she and I have on some level has kept us "together" for nearly 9 years. No one can break that. I respect the fact that I am not her only friend and won't be. I don't expect her to drop everything for me, and she doesn't expect it from me. I don't want to hinder her life, so I don't try to.

Anyway, so, I got to see all of Tori's clothes, and cute lil shoes (cept for the ones that Chelle couldn't find and wanted to)...all her lady bug bedding and other things. She is so excited about this little girl...I don't blame her. Girls are so much fun...I know...I have 2. Was so fun to dress them up...do their hair...etc..and I am glad she will get to do that.

Anyway, think I will close for now...its nearly time to start getting ready to go home, so, I need to close my brain from the blog so I can store up more stuff to write later.....hopefully really soon later....LOL